


Lightbulb

by MrSandman



Series: One-Word Prompts [1]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: (it’s only as suggestive as the show and it’s not explicit), (owen just has the mind of a proverbial teenage boy), (this is why it is teen-rated), Alien Technology, Canon Compliant, Gen, Humor, Innuendo, M/M, Rift (Torchwood), Rift Gifts, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27997113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrSandman/pseuds/MrSandman
Summary: “You make a good point. But then,” Ianto mused, “when have we ever handled alien artefacts with the appropriate respect and caution?”Team Torchwood find an unknown artefact on a Rift retrieval, and attempt to deduce its purpose.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: One-Word Prompts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041397
Comments: 15
Kudos: 33





	Lightbulb

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is another instalment of my One-Word Prompts series, unsurprisingly for the prompt ‘Lightbulb’. Caution: gratuitous misuse of the internal geography of the Hub ahead.
> 
> This was very kindly looked over by many people, namely princessoftheworlds, sunflwrhabit and Renoteen - thank you all for being the best!

“Is it something kinky?”

“ _What?_ ” Tosh spluttered, choking on the tea that she had had the misfortune to be sipping at the exact moment that Owen had opened his big mouth. 

“Well, is it? It looks like it might be for, y’know,” Owen replied, with a gesture so filthy that even Gwen averted her gaze. This was partly in disgust, and partly in sheer horror at the thought that the object on the table - which was large, irregularly shaped, and pulsing with what looked like some kind of otherworldly bioluminescence - might go where Owen was proposing. 

Ianto merely looked to the ceiling high above the team, wishing he were anywhere else.

“Get your mind out of the gutter, Owen,” Gwen admonished, gingerly picking up the object and turning it to and fro. _If_ by some horrible miracle Owen was right, she wasn’t sure how she felt about handling it. Should she be wearing protective gloves? Jack should really have introduced a briefing for situations like this by now, considering the kinds of aliens they’d dealt with in Gwen’s first few months on the job alone.

“Put it down, Gwen, you don’t know where it’s been.” Ianto echoed her thoughts and shot an almost imperceptibly irritated glance at Owen, before resting his elbows on the table and his chin in his hands. “ _I_ , for one, hope it’s a cataloguing device. It’s all well and good me rummaging through the Archives, gives me a break from ceaseless coffee requests and poor innuendoes for one thing-” here he looked at Owen again and raised an eyebrow sardonically “-but my _god_ , what I wouldn’t give for some sort of futuristic organiser to fall through the Rift, instead of the usual space junk and angry aliens.”

“That’s probably not far off the mark, Ianto,” Tosh replied dejectedly, now composed after her overly close encounter with her cup of Earl Grey. “It’s probably something completely inane, and even if it did have a use once, we almost certainly don’t have the technology or the know-how to work out what that was.”

“Thanks for that cheery assessment, Tosh,” Owen replied dryly.

“Well, at least it was a more realistic suggestion than your kinky sex toy theory,” Ianto sniped, smirking at Owen. 

“Oh c’mon, like that’s not a distinct possibility in this bloody job,” Owen snapped back, Gwen concurring somewhat unwillingly with a nod. “Need I remind you that last time it happened, you and Jack disappeared into his office for _several-_ ”

“Yes, okay,” Ianto said dismissively, waving a hand about and rubbing the back of his neck with the other in embarrassment. “But that was _one time!_ ”

“Sounded like more than that to me,” Owen muttered, making Tosh giggle and Gwen let out an unexpectedly loud laugh. Ianto blushed a pretty shade of pink.

“Yes, _thank you_ for your running commentary, Owen,” Ianto grumbled, regretting not for the first time that day his decision to emerge from the depths of the Archives. 

“Anytime, Teaboy,” Owen replied with a smirk. It took every ounce of Ianto’s admittedly impressive self-control not to rise to the bait that was Owen’s most irritating nickname for him. He’d just get him back for it later by switching him to decaf and betting with Jack on the time it would take Owen to notice. 

“Well, I’m sure Jack will be able to tell us what it is when he gets back,” Gwen said, carefully eyeing Owen’s smug expression and Ianto’s subtly murderous one.

“Yeah, especially if it _is_ something sexy,” Owen muttered, before holding up his hands in surrender as Gwen’s gaze swivelled sharply towards him again, her eyes practically pinning him to his chair. “Alright, alright, keep your hair on, the pair of you!” 

A contemplative quiet fell as the team continued to survey the object. 

“Maybe it’s a weapon,” Owen said, breaking the silence. The others rolled their eyes at his inability to stay quiet for more than half a minute at a time. 

“Maybe,” Gwen replied, eyeing the object dubiously. “Should we really be handling it so casually if that’s the case?”

“You make a good point. But then,” Ianto mused, “when have we ever handled alien artefacts with the appropriate respect and caution?” Tosh made a noise of assent, and Gwen laughed again. 

Meanwhile, Owen had picked up the object and was examining it for any obvious ports or slots. “Is it biological? Electronic? A combination of the two? It doesn’t look like you can plug it into anything, but then, who knows where it’s from. Maybe it’s all done telepathically where this thing comes from.”

“Well, exactly,” Tosh agreed, leaning over the table to feel the object’s surface. “For all our speculation, we’re ultimately flying blind here without being able to date and locate it. Is there really nothing about it in the Archives, Ianto?” 

“Not in the records that I’ve digitised so far, but there are hundreds more files to go through, if not thousands - if you’d seen how full my in-tray is down there, Tosh...” Ianto shuddered, images of scattered papers and indecipherable Victorian copperplate handwriting flashing before his eyes. Tosh patted his arm sympathetically.

“Wow, so glad we’ve got such a _knowledgeable_ and _efficient_ archivist,” Owen snarked, wincing as Gwen kicked him under the table. “ _Okay_ , I’m _sorry_ , you’re a great archivist, Ianto.” He wasn’t entirely convinced that Ianto was above actually spitting in his coffee, and Owen wasn’t all that keen on sharing saliva with his boss by osmosis. 

“Y’know what? I take it back. I _really_ hope it’s a device that allows me to put you on mute,” Ianto shot back derisively, but Jack’s voice at the door cut Ianto off before he and Owen descended into yet more squabbling.

“Sign me up for one of those,” Jack teased, grinning at Owen when he huffed at Jack. “But unfortunately for us, this isn’t an Owen remote.”

“Arsehole Control,” Ianto muttered under his breath, causing Tosh and Gwen to fight valiantly to hold back smiles and Jack to practically guffaw.

“For fuck’s sake, why is today ‘Make Owen Torchwood’s Verbal Punching Bag Day’?” Owen glared at Jack. “And you’re encouraging them! Some ‘responsible boss’ you are,” he complained, forming the scare quotes with his fingers. 

“Responsible bosses can still have a sense of humour, you big baby,” Jack responded, grinning at Owen. “Anyway, would someone care to tell me how on earth a Bheslan lightbulb ended up in the Hub?”

“It’s a _lightbulb?_ ” The rest of the team chorused as one.

“Uh... yeah? Bioluminescence in the home will be all the rage in the Bhesla Three interior design scene in, ooh, about two hundred Earth years from now,” Jack replied, not understanding why this revelation had caused his team to assume facial expressions that could at best be described as mildly peeved (Ianto) and, at worst, royally pissed off (Owen). 

“After all that, it’s a bloody lightbulb,” Tosh said glumly, staring at the Bheslan device sadly. 

“But on the plus side,” Gwen remarked, “at least it’s not some kind of horrifying sex toy like Owen thought.”

“Please,” Owen scoffed, “I was only joking when I suggested that. Mostly.” Gwen and Ianto rolled their eyes. “What?” Owen squawked defensively. “I _was!_ ”

“I bet you’d have _loved_ it if it had been something kinky,” Jack teased, and Owen turned his glare on Jack instead, mouth open and a biting comment about Jack’s particularly extensive knowledge of that particular subject area on the tip of his tongue. “But,” Jack continued, “now that we’ve solved the mystery of the _enigmatic object_ dropped off by the Rift, we should all be getting back to work.” He glanced towards his office pointedly. 

“Ianto, be a dear and get us a cup of coffee, would you?” Owen batted his eyelashes mockingly at Ianto, who let forth the smallest of sighs. 

“If you’re not careful, I might just _invent_ the Arsehole Control,” Ianto hissed before begrudgingly moving in the direction of the coffee machine. 

Jack tipped his head on one side in contemplation. “That might not be a bad idea,” he murmured thoughtfully, staring at Ianto’s rear as he walked away. “Not like that!” He laughed, when the remaining members of his team looked at him in horror. “I just happen to be admiring the view.”

Owen groaned and pushed away from the table, stalking back to the autopsy bay without another word. Gwen and Tosh were also in the process of moving back to their desks, where they had abandoned a database search and Rift calculations respectively when Owen had stumbled in with the lightbulb earlier. 

Jack laughed to himself. Torchwood Three apparently wouldn’t be winning any awards for their deductive skills when it came to alien artefacts, and arguing about the potentially adult nature of their finds wasn’t the most productive use of their time, but if it made Jack laugh this hard about what was an admittedly very pretty piece of space junk, then what the hell.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Feel free to drop by and say hi on twitter (@hetheyharkness) or tumblr (kingisdead), should you so desire it. Comments, kudos etc. are very much appreciated! Have a great day :D


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